12/09/2009 @1:46:00 PM
i've held off posting for a few weeks now, since everytime i log on to blogspot, the new post page appears weird. it's still weird now. but i'm guessing it's more of a permanent damage.
the past 2 weeks have been a huge ride up and down, left and right. i won't deny that zihan leaving for hk has been a huge impact on me, especially during the first week of his absence. however, i guess this is probably a blessing in disguise. i might still have many weeks to go, but just these 2 weeks have allowed me to learn and realise more than i can ever imagine to.
sometimes, people become so dependent on their boyfriends to be there for them that they don't think much about what happens when they're not.
when zihan was around, i felt like i could rely on him for everything. i never had to worry about outings with groups that i could have felt awkward with cuz he was always there and i'd always have someone to fall back on whenever i felt lonely or felt i was out of place. just like a huge cushion ready to catch me whenever i fall.
when i needed someone to talk to, when there were problems in my life, even between us, the first person i'd call was him. through the past year, i have grown accustomed to problems being solved/talked about in a matter of a few hours.
however, now that he's no longer within sms/call reach, it was hard to get used to at first. but after these series of events that have happened or are about to happen, it's more of opening your eyes and maturing on your own. i guess these are the experiences that when you've been thrown in, you struggle (and think you'll drown) but then learn to swim on your own.
and i guess i'll never realise that if zihan never left for hk and put me in the pool to swim on my own. when he leaves you alone, you go swimming/struggling for someone who can almost similarly provide the same things, when after struggling for awhile, u realise that they were all along there for you - your friends.
i remember in primary school, we had a task. we were given a piece of paper and we had to fill in names in circles. each circle has a different heading: best friends, close friends, friends, and acquaintances.
the circle for best friends was extremely small compared to the rest. and i used to wonder why. 'everyone can be my best friend!' i used to think. but i think now i have reached the stage when i finally realise the purpose of those circles.
you don't need so many best friends. best friends know who exactly you are inside out. what each of your action means. and you never have to lie to them about anything. even if you did, they'd see through you. these are the people whom i know will be there for me always. these are the people who can give you the love, mentally and emotionally.
i almost lost a best friend recently. it's in times like these when you find out how important people are to you. things like this make you think sensibly before acting and make us all mature.
and yes, so there are only a few people whom i can consider my best friends. you know who you are.
i'm too lazy to elaborate on the other 3 types of friends. but i'm sure it's clear enough for everyone to understand. you might have many friends. but you might not feel comfortable with all of them, sometimes to the extent you have to pretend in order to fit in. i'm sure that happens to all of us.
and so when i read julianne's blog, i came across this line, something along the lines of: i don't need to always bother about what my friends think. but more of what my best/close friends think. cuz they are the ones that are capable of hurting you the most, or you hurting them the most. such an eye-opening line.
i guess after saying so much, what i mean is that you don't have to try and please everyone of your friends, try to get into their good shoes and everything. or at rarer times, try to push yourself into their close/best friends circles. people are made for each other. you have your own friends they have their own. everyone experiences the same thing.
and so in this post, i'd like to thank all my close/best friends for being there for me, and for being the inspiration for this post. specially mentioning some names: julianne, choyau, lennard, jiamin, yongwen, muslim, jereld, yongchuan, alan, hweeyen.
for the rest, you know who you are. i cant reveal all of my secrets but yea. thank you to you all for being there for me.
and to zihan, thanks for giving me the chance to experience this and appreciate all i have.
cheers to everyone.