<body> <body>

27/02/2010 @1:36:00 AM

sometimes i wonder what i am exactly. what have i been sent out to this world to achieve. i think about my role in school, in lectures, around my friends.

among my lecture mates, i'm not the one who gets all the notes immediately, neither am i the smartest one, nor the one that you can count on for answers etc. i'm just the one who freeloads on everyone. taking their notes, asking them questions. it's like i practically don't know anything. i din study for 12 years just to get to this nonsense.

i admit my basics are not strong. but i cant do anything about that now. i feel ashamed calling myself a chem major when sometimes i dont even feel comfortable with the answers when i teach my brother chem.

what is this?

i spoke to kenny after ORM lecture today and he was like, well yes its stressful but at least you only take 2 pure chem mods. all this kinda molecular orbitals shit you don't need to know.

exactly. if i don't need to bother about all these things? what does that make me as a chem major? what does that say about me when ppl ask me a question? partly i blame the applied chem drugs syllabus - fucking screwed up.

i feel like my degree will just be in the middle of nowhere. not being able to reach up to the standards of those in pure chem, and not reaching those taking pharmacy. what kind of degree is this? if given a choice, would i stay in pure chem then? at least the polymer people have a chance at the industry. but look at drugs, what can we do? 2nd to pharmacy people?

sigh, not like i can do anything about it now. i dont even know what i'll like to work as in the future even... when it's not even that 'future' .... its just a year away.

damn you life.

说一声加油 一切更美好
所有的悲伤 请往边靠

这一种加油 人人都需要

19/02/2010 @2:35:00 AM

owl city has amazing lyrics. simple, lovely and addictive.

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake I miss you,
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'll send a postcard to you dear,
Cause I wish you were here.

I watch the night turn light blue,
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find repose in new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.

As many times as I blink I'll think of you tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.

When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.

07/02/2010 @3:20:00 PM

how do you define a home?
how do you define a family?

someplace where you just go home to for your daily nap?
or someplace which showers you with love, care, concern and stand beside you in times of need?

i always though they were supportive, i always thought they were there for me. everything changed when they said i changed.

so what about change? why cant i change? why cant anyone change? lots of my friends said i've changed, but they dont leave me out on the street. is growing more mature a bad change?

i feel i have, i know i have, i hope i have grown more mature over the past months. but why is it that they never realise? why is it so hard to let go and watch me fly off safely? what else do i need to do just to get the words "i think you're so much more mature now" out of their mouths?

how do you trust someone's judgement about things. i've lived in this world for 21 years now. once bitten twice shy, they say. it's not that i havent taken a step back to see things from another point of view, it's not that i havent tried to think properly on my own. why cant they just fucking trust me.

fuck this is my own life i'm leading why cant you just be fucking more caring and understanding about it.

i've been at a friend's house a couple of times the past few weeks. and their family makes me feel so different. it's like an escape. everytime i go there. i just keep wondering, what is so wrong about mine that causes everyone to just practically hate each other in the bottom of our hearts although we dont show it.

i know it's not good to compare families. God brought us into this world, into this family. but what in the world am i supposed to do in this hellhole i'm living in?

is it so hard just to ask for a family that genuinely loves and shares every problem they go through? all i want to say is a chance to say "i love you mom, i love you dad"

04/02/2010 @11:05:00 PM

week 4 is ending and hell has my life been exquisitely exceptional. school is just weighing its mass down more than my brain can handle. in just 1 week, i've stayed up till 4am twice just to complete assignments, finish lab reports, and prepare for presentations. oh what is year 3 doing to me!!

so it's thurs now, going on to friday. the end of week 4.
week 5: presentations, and ... well thats about it.

chinese new year's coming. not entirely excepted for that since our precious holidays were painfully and forcefully taken away from us, leaving us in a pathetic 5week/8week semester. not fun, seriously, not fun.

sidenote, i NEED to get a new phone real soon. any recommendations anyone?

tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
and every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holding you, holding you, holding you

i posted this song a few weeks ago. how apt, the lyrics and the tune of the song might be entirely the same. but somehow, the meaning of these lyrics have changed overtime.

cause all of the stars
have faded away
just try not to worry
you'll see them someday

people can use the words like captivated, blinded, insensitive, ignorant, stupid, naive, or whatsoever. but that night, i saw. that night the 'player' outfit was laid on, the night of masquerades, i saw, the unique softness that emitted through those lazy eyes.

i saw through you, your vulnerability, and your heart.
and thats when i knew, i could finally say:

i trust you.




1t19/2t19 .
aaron.gomez .
alicia .
amanda .
brandon .
carol .
chello .
ervin .
eugene .
eunice .
hai.ling .
janice .
jie.sheng .
ju .
mel .
mich.chow .
rachel .
ronald .
samuel .
wu.yuan .
weng .
xi.er .
yan.ling .
yong.wen .



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